M. Jagger Moore
San Francisco, CA

Proof of Humanhood

The following documents were obtained legally in a court of law. Nobody was harmed in the acquisition of said documents.

They prove that I am a homo sapiens, that I came into this world blind and covered in amniotic fluid just like you did, and that I am in no shape, way or form an extraterrestrial being. These documents were not edited, altered, or revised. 

Forged in the germinal workshop of an intergalactic wordmonger, M. Jagger Moore carefully constructs copy with the piquant finesse of an Andalusian stallion and the dogged efficacy of an analog clock set to military time (batteries included). His brain is made of rose-colored gelatin and his fingers are fashioned from hot glue and popsicle sticks. He has never thrown a baguette at an unsuspecting Mallard.